Communication is a guide on discussing Crossdressing/Transgender with a partner.

This Communication Guide was written by my best friend Nikkie.

How do I Tell Her? 

There is no easy way, and the time is never right.  The best case scenario is if you tell her before the relationship gets too serious.  But usually that is not the case, it’s usually after a long term relationship or even well into a marriage that someone decides they need to disclose their feminine side to their partner.  But if you are going to tell her, keep the following points in mind – and just don’t be surprised or caught off guard if she reacts negatively.

Step 1. Understand yourself and what you want.

Understand yourself & be honest: Discuss this with your partner as you would any other conversation in your marriage.  Don’t disparage yourself by saying you have an issue or problem.  Instead talk about the facts at hand in a very neutral way – but also present them to your partner in a very loving way.

Step 2. Determine the timing that is right for you.

Timing.  The timing will never be right; bringing the subject up may get you all choked up and make you feel awkward, uncomfortable, nervous or even stressed.  Just find a time where you can relax and figure out what your opening statement might be.  I would start with something like – “I really love you, value our relationship and commitment to each other.  There’s something that has been eating at me for a long time and I need to talk to you about it.”  Tell your partner as soon as possible.  Your partner entered into a relationship without knowing a significant part of your personality.  Keep in mind if you’ve had a long term relationship with her that it’s just going to make it that much more difficult.  You have to be able to address the question – ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ – And it also begs the question – ‘what else have you not told me?’  Just be prepared to answer those questions.

Step 3. Determine what you are going to say.

Tell your partner in privacy: Talk in a private setting where you won’t be interrupted, dressed as your spouse is accustomed to seeing you.  Surprising your spouse while fully cross dressed is never a good idea.  Also, telling her in a public place where she can’t let any stressful emotions loose will just stress her more.
Broaching the subject.  The most difficult part may be just getting the courage to bring up the subject.  It’ may seem like trying to get in a pool of cold water.  Some people like to ease in and test it, get used to it, others like to just cannonball right in.  The approach will be largely based on your style, character and personality.  However, no matter what your opening statement is, it should include aspects of love, respect and commitment.  One might say “Honey, there’s something on my mind that I’ve been keeping to myself for a long time, even before we were in a relationship that I just can no longer keep inside and I need to talk to you about it”.  “I just love you so much and I so value the relationship we have built together and I really don’t want any of that to change in any way.  However, it’s important that you know….”.  Approaching it this way, shows commitment, love, and also establishes the fact it’s something that didn’t happen recently that will affect the security of the relationship.  One might draw the conclusion that you might be trying to break up or discuss an affair.  That will be the first concern if you don’t get to the point quickly.  Hence, I believe it’s important to let them know that you have been living with this even before the relationship began.  However, use your own words, don’t memorize or rehearse – let the conversation flow as it needs to.  Reassurance: Make sure your partner understands that you love them and are committed to them in every way.  Also, let them know they have been a wonderful partner and that you are lucky to have them.  Reassure them that this is something you’ve been dealing with for a long time before you were even with them.  This gives them at least less cause for concern that they were somehow responsible.

Step 4. Say what you need to say

Be loving: Be loving and caring to her no matter how she reacts or what she says.  Speak with her like you would always as her partner.
The Conversation: Let the conversation flow in the direction your partner wants to take it.  Providing too much information early on can be overwhelming.  The mistake I made was that I came with an arsenal of reference materials; psychologists contact information, books and a lot of reasons why this should be okay.  It was a disaster for me.  The conversation may last a few hours, a day, weeks, months or even years depending on the acceptance and understanding level of your partner.  The key is to let them drive the conversation a little after you have made your opening statement.

Step 5. Let it sink in

Give it time: Remember, you’ve had years to think over your feelings.  Your partner hasn’t had the same opportunity.  They may need to pray, meditate, or just take a moment to gather their thoughts.  Pictures: Don’t rush to show your partner pictures or appear to them en femme.  How pretty you are or how convincing you are as a female is not going to make a difference in how they feel unless your partner is attracted to girls.  Take this step slowly, some may want to see pictures or see you transform right away; others may not.

Step 6. Don’t let your partner ignore it

Acknowledgement: A common reaction that some partners may have is to think – “if I just don’t bring it up or support it – it will go away”.  So they may try to avoid the conversation or not want to talk about it.  In this case you still need to give them time and let it sink in, but don’t let too much time pass because you’ll be right back where you were and will have to bring it up again, and the second time can even be more intimidating for some.

Self Assesment

Step 1 above mentions that you need to get to know yourself better – some self analysis may be a good way to start.  If you have deep rooted issues that aren’t related to being a Transgirl my suggestion would be to seek out professional help for those types of issues.   This “Self Assessment” is only given in the context of communicating You as a Transgirl to your partner.   

So with that said, before being able to confront your partner, you need to confront yourself and ask yourself the tough questions.   The real difficulty here is not the nature of the question but rather you being honest with yourself on the answers.   If you are not able to be completely honest and humble regarding who you are then there is no way you will be able to communicate your needs and feelings honestly with anyone else. 

It’s equally important to know what you want.   You may not know what you want to be when you grow up, but you do know what you want right now, today.   If you are not going to be an open book how can you expect your partner to be completely honest with you?  So the first step is to Self Assess what you want and who you are.

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