Communication is a guide on discussing Crossdressing/Transgender with a partner.

This Communication Guide was written by my best friend Nikkie.

So at the end of this exercise you should have a pretty good understanding of yourself.  I wouldn’t dwell on issues about whether you want to be a girl or not.  I also wouldn’t spend too much time trying to figure out what you will be 5 or 10 years from now as it relates to your femininity.  I would instead think about where you want your relationship to be 5 or 10 years from now.
Take a few days and reflect on your answers.  Ask yourself was I being completely transparent or was I holding back.  There is a balance here in the communication process.  You don’t want to hold anything back – on the flip side you don’t want to do a core dump on your partner either.  You’ll just have to gauge how much and to what degree you want to share – it depends on so many factors.  Although in the end – my philosophy when I tell anyone is “full disclosure” – so I it makes me think through why I’m telling someone other than my partner.
After you reflect on your answers – you should be able to summarize what it is you want, what your immediate needs are, and maybe what your future needs are.  And of course, what level of compromise if any you would be able to make.

Compromise
In any relationship compromise is always present and necessary.  Once you decide to be partners, there must be agreements on many different aspects of your lives.  As human beings we all have different points of view, influences and ideals.  These ideals don’t necessarily always align whether it’s regarding your family budget, raising kids, or other shared responsibilities.  Your gender expression is really no different, although, I don’t think it’s as difficult as some of those other topics.  Well if that’s true why is it so hard to talk about it? Well maybe you need to look at yourself to answer that question.  Maybe you need to bring it up, figure out what you’re willing to compromise on and then ask her to compromise on some things.
Compromise is discussed here in the context of what you are willing to do for your partner and your relationship with them.  So I’m not suggesting that you compromise “who you are” but rather how you behave.  If you are unable to provide any level of compromise – and your partner is not too keen on your gender expression – you are both headed for major issues in your relationship.  But isn’t that what you’re trying to avoid?  If forcing you to stop is going to drive you away, isn’t that what your partner is trying to avoid in the first place.  The” ignore it” tactic, the “don’t tell me about it” approach, or undermining through other controls is just going to amplify the stress in your relationship.  If you truly want to keep the relationship together you have to both find grounds that you both live with.  If not, then, you may want to seek professional counseling.  In the end, if you and your partner are not able to meet you half way then it will lead to bad behavior and ultimately to separation.
So before you rip up this guide and say I don’t know what I’m talking about – just understand that my point here is not to put the whole burden on either partner.  However, you both must accept that once you are in a committed relationship it’s no longer just about an individual.  It’s about the both of you – if you value the union – which means two heads have to make a decision together and many times to arrive to an agreement compromises on both sides have to be made.  Keep in mind that the context of this guide is meant for someone trying to keep a relationship together.  It’s not meant to convince someone to accept you unconditionally; and, if you’ve already made up your mind to move on then most of what is in here will probably not be useful and most likely will anger you.
Suggestions for the Transgirls partner – The first thing you need to consider as you begin a conversation on compromise is to realize that his desire to express himself as a female is not going to go away.  And the more you make him repress it, the more miserable he will become, and the more he will begin to resent you.  The key here for you is to not try to understand him, because he probably can’t articulate it anyways.  So the only thing you have control over is trying to figure out why you may not like it.  Sure it may not be natural, it may add risk, and yes there are judgments that society makes.  But put all that aside for a second and try to figure out what about his gender expression really bothers you.  Try to understand your behavior and your reaction rather than trying to “fix” him.  Once you understand the core of what bothers you then you can address that and figure out how you both might be able to compromise on that piece.
Suggestions for the Transgirl – You need to realize that your gender expression is something new to your partner.  You need to make as much of an effort to understand their issues as you would expect them to understand yours.  Take the time and get to the core of the issues.  Don’t rebut everything they say – but just listen – take notes if necessary.  Really try to understand what it is that bothers them.  Then once you get all that on the table think of some ways where you might be able to meet in the middle.  Much of what your partner will say will not seem like a big deal to you – but just realize it is a big deal to them.  So take them seriously even with points that may not be logical in your mind.  Remember that we’re not dealing with logic – we’re dealing with perception and feelings.
If you are at an impasse in regard to your gender expression with your partner, then it’s time to have a conversation about compromise.  If either partner stone walls or uses other tactics to avoid discussing or addressing the topic directly then one of a few things will happen.
Depression: One of the partners is going to be depressed or irritable because they are not getting something they need. Depression can lead to someone becoming withdrawn and unhappy.
Resentment: One partner will begin to resent the other leading to arguments about inconsequential things and worse case leading to separation ultimately.
Anger: Anger can be lead to venting to friends and family pulling them in the conversation prematurely.  Also it will lead to undermining one another creating more anger and eventually leading to separation.
Dishonesty: If your partner denies you to explore your gender expression then you will become dishonest about your activities.  You will repress them as long as you can – this will lead to resentment and to the point you don’t care if she finds out and if she wants to leave so be it.  This is not where you want to end up.
Intimacy: Usually when anyone is arguing or unhappy about a given situation both partners are usually not interested in intimacy.  I think this is a common mistake that needs to be avoided.  In any relationship intimacy is important – if it hasn’t existed for a while then you need to bring it up and try to figure out why.  If any of these problems occur due to your gender expression or any other aspect of your life then you are definitely headed for disaster.  I hear all the time “I tried that, she doesn’t listen to me, she ignores it, and I’ve done everything I know to do”.  I’m sorry I’m not buying it.  Something is disconnected and you are not communicating directly and clearly.  If you have TRULY tried everything you know to do then it’s time to have a very serious conversation about your future.  If she’s not willing or still stone walls then I really do think it’s time to move on or seek counseling at the very least.
However you have to keep in mind through all of this…why are trying to keep your relationship together in the first place?  Hopefully the answer is easy – You love her – and she loves you.  Never forget that – and if you have lost love for one another – you both need to make an effort – (and it is an effort) – to get it back.
In our society we get married and believe that we will live happily ever after – that love conquers all.  Well that just isn’t so in the more practical sense of that statement.  You do realize that we never found out how Cinderella lived after she married the prince.  Come to think of it every one of those stories ended with “…and they lived happily ever after”. Well I don’t believe it – not for a minute.
One might argue you shouldn’t have to change who you are to please others.  The reality is that when you decide to have a relationship with a partner, then yes you do need to communicate and compromise with that person.  The other common mistake is that a Transgirl will say “well this is who I am and I can’t change it and if you loved me you will accept me.”  Well if that’s true, then isn’t it also safe to say that your partner may not like it or it may disgust them and that’s who they are and you need to accept that?  If we travel down this path you arrive at an impasse rapidly.  To spring your gender expression on them now by saying “if you love me you would accept me” is like dropping an atom bomb on your relationship.
If you both truly love each other you need to first talk about how you both communicate.

Love: Always start a conversation with reminding your partner that you love them and are committed to them.  I think this is the key to starting the conversation in the right tone and context.
Anger: Never begin a serious conversation where you actually want someone to listen to your point of view by yelling, being angry, or making demands just to make yourself feel better. It will not have the outcome you want.  It will just make things worse and make the other person immediately defensive and angry too. Just don’t escalate any further than where things already are.
Listen: Don’t listen just to figure out how to counter your partner’s point of view.  Truly listen to them.  Tell them you heard what they said; repeat it to make sure they agree that you heard them correctly.  Then respond calming and lovingly – if they make a good point let them know.  If you have additional information to add to what they said, then add it.
Convincing: Never try to “convince” your partner that you are right or they are wrong.  Because this probably has never worked in your relationship and probably never will.  Do not necessarily apply logic to convince someone about how they “feel” about something.  If you take a logic course they will tell you cannot apply logic to emotion, religion, or politics – so don’t even try.  Fallacies and syllogisms are meant for factual based statements – not for how someone feels.
Never use Universal Positives/Negatives: Never start any sentence by saying “You Always…or You Never…” Because if the other person has been trying it will make them feel like all of their efforts have not been noticed.  This builds resentment and further proves to them that you don’t notice the positive things they do.
Say something positive: Even in the height of an argument you can pay your partner a compliment on something that may even be unrelated.  Acknowledge the positive things they do and are in your life.
Stay Calm: The key is to stay calm – anger, frustration or saying hurtful things is driving the relationship and the discussion further apart.  The key is to continue to look at your partner with love and caring.
So follow the following steps: Love, Listen, Understand, Repeat, and Respond – that will help establish a very productive conversation.
There are also many people that say – well “she likes it the way it is”, “she’s not willing to change”, “She said she would divorce me”, “we haven’t been intimate in years”.  My first response and question is “Have you done everything you know to do to change that and what have you done?  What type of ownership have you taken for the problem?” If the answer is clearly they have done everything then I think it’s time to force the issue about talking about separation or professional counseling.  I know I could never be with someone who didn’t take my passions seriously.  No matter how silly my partner may see my gender expression – for whatever reasons it’s important to me and necessary.  Just because of that I expect to at least have a discussion where there is compromise on both sides.

Mutual Acceptance

Well wouldn’t it be great if you told your partner about your femininity and she became very excited and totally embraced it.  I prayed that my wife would have that reaction before I told her.  It would have been total elation if she had said, “this is so cool, now I have a husband and a girlfriend we’re going to have so much fun together – in fact let’s go shopping right now!”  I still have never heard those words from her – it’s more like “you’re going out again that’s three times this week already”.  Well she wasn’t and still isn’t crazy about me being a Transgirl.  For some odd reason my wife wanted her husband to be masculine, a knight, a protector, a provider and spiritual leader.  By appearing as a female it contradicts what she wanted out of her spouse or what she imagined her life would be.  After all, she was and is attracted to men for a reason and all of a sudden she is confronted with one of two possible scenarios from her point of view. Either a) she had to learn to be a lesbian or bisexual at the very least or b) she was now in competition with another woman that was threatening her relationship with her husband.  Of course it’s not that black and white, but they may be the first rush of emotions that your partner may feel.
So expect the worse possible reaction from your spouse and be the man and the protector.  She may be hurtful with her words, she will say things she may regret later, she will use threats, tears, and every tool she has in her arsenal to defeat this other woman that has now entered her life.  It’s not surprising that most partners react badly because there’s now another force threatening their life balance.  This is just the uncontrolled reaction to the initial shock and you will get past it. Some faster than others – but you will work through it if you continue to stay committed, communicate and love each other.
If your partner does get upset, just realize that they have every right to be.  It’s nothing they can do about it but just like when unplanned events happen in your life it may upset you but in the end there’s nothing you could have done.  But you still may rant or vent about the thing that upset you to your friends or family.  In this case, keep in mind that you have now disclosed a very powerful force in your relationship that challenges the traditional gender roles.  The fact is I don’t understand why most women react badly after being told their partner likes to appear as a female or wants to be a girl.  In fact, they may not know themselves why it bothers them
Maybe she can’t deal with it or never will be able to accept it or embrace it.  Are you going to be able to accept her for who she is unconditionally without understanding how she feels about it?  I hope that you can because that’s exactly what you’re asking her to do.  That doesn’t mean you should lie down and let her walk all over you.  The point here is that you both have needs and desires which are complicated by your feminine tendencies and you both will need to find common ground.  The complexity of this matter is that most likely you’ve been dealing with your confusion for years and have managed to suppress, retain or control it in your own way.  Now you have disclosed it to her and she’s had just a few moments to let it sink in.  For her to arrive at the same level of understanding that you have is not even possible and to have that expectation is unrealistic.
The key is to be able to accept her and how she feels in the same manner in which you want to be accepted on how you feel.  You also have all the control and information and she is helpless in this situation which will cause additional stress to the conversation.  You will need to be loving, caring and reassuring while facing a barrage of threats and painful words.  Professional counseling may be required and I would be prepared to have a few counselors’ names that you can arrange an appointment with if you find that might be necessary.

Common Mistakes
There are so many mistakes that are made in communicating desires and needs as well as many mistakes made with just bad behavior from both partners.  It’s because of these mistakes that cause us to move apart, draw lines and build walls to protect our self interests.  If you or your spouse has hidden agendas then you will experience years of agony and even potential separation.  Also by not being completely honest about both of your needs it will just amplify any other issues in your relationship.  Let’s face it; we are all selfish on some level.  We are all looking to get what we want out of life to make us happy and live in harmony.  When what you define as harmony is diametrically opposed then it’s obviously going to cause stress on the relationship.
So here are some common hidden agendas that you may already be aware of but it’s important to bring them to light and admit that if you have one of these to throw it off the table.
Convince the Partner: You desperately want a partner that is completely accepting – and we’ll assume for a moment your partner is a biological woman.  One of the desires you may have is to “make her understand” or “make her accept it” – you might even have hopes that she will embrace it.  These are very unrealistic expectations, granted you may get lucky.  This has been the case in many instances; if that’s true then wonderful – go have fun and throw this guide away.
However, I think it’s prudent to err on the other side of the equation.  Prepare for total disgust and lack of acceptance. You will need to deal with that reaction in a loving way.  Also keep in mind that if she “feels badly” or “doesn’t like it” you need to at least accept that from her.  If you think about it, if you expect her to be tolerant of your behavior you need to be prepared to be tolerant of hers – it’s only fair.
Threats: Your partner may threaten you with separation or divorce if you continue your activities.  Basically stop or else.  If she does this then she is not in the state of mind to have a rational discussion about it.  I typically don’t respond to threats very well – in fact I will always be the first to walk away and let them know that I deserve better after X years of the relationship.  Here I am being honest and up front with my partner about something that is harmless on every other front and to walk away from what we built over something so small is really hurtful.  If that’s truly the way she feels then how is she going to handle real issues that arise in your relationship?  In the end, she probably doesn’t want separation if you have a strong relationship.  Given that, she’s most likely saying this out of pain and confusion.  It’s usually best to just give it time.
Me or Her: She may force you into an ultimatum, that you need to make a choice of choosing either your desire to dress up or be with her.  This also is a common mistake that comes from lack of understanding.  I don’t think you ever give someone you love an ultimatum unless it’s something that’s clearly destructive – dressing en femme is not destructive on any level.  How you react to it or how you behave may be destructive.  For example, there’s nothing inherently destructive about alcohol unless it’s handled incorrectly or abused.
Who I am: This is who I am and nothing I can do about it so you need to learn to live with it.  This is a very selfish stance that many Transgirls have taken in the past.  It’s from a lack of understanding yourself and shows a lot of disrespect to the one you love.  If you take this position, even more lightly, then it’s throwing the whole burden on her, the person you love, who has probably little or no experience dealing with the issue.
I’ll take this one a little further and extend it outside the family.  I know some Transgirls that will force themselves upon people and expect them to love them and not say anything negative because that is discrimination.  Yes people should be accepting and non-discriminating.  But on the flip side most of us have our biases; and don’t you want to be around those that “truly” accept you and love you? I know I do.  Discrimination is a very strong word – and doing something that may not be in our social conditioning and expecting people to follow it; that’s also asking a lot of most people.  Should people be better than that?  Absolutely!  Should we as transgirls be better than that by respecting the wishes of our families?  Absolutely!
It’s out of respect that if I’m going somewhere and I’m concerned I may not be 100% convincing as a girl, I might call ahead and ask if they are going to have an issue with me being there as guy dressed as a girl.  This does a couple of things. a) it eliminates any initial shock b) it shows respect and consideration on your part c) you will probably be treated better d) if you’re not going to be accepted you can move on to another venue and do something else.  Should we have to do this?  Or made to do this?  No of course not, but think about it for a second and if the shoes were reversed how would you want to be treated.
Let’s take a truly controversial subject of religion.  Let’s take the following situation.  What if you weren’t religious and your friend came over and wouldn’t shut up about Christianity the whole time, or the reverse you’re a Christian and your friend showed up and continually professed why there is no God.  It can be a little awkward and even offensive, to the point that you may not want them to come over.  But instead, your friend called ahead and asked if it was okay for them to bring their Bible with them you may still say yes or no – but either way you’ll have much more respect for them and probably be more willing to accept them for who they are and what they believe.  If you both respect one another’s wishes then we start living in harmony as a society.
We don’t want the government making laws – it just forces people to be secretly discriminating and encourages political correctness.  I think we can all agree we don’t want either one of those – but this idea of forcing someone into a state that is not natural does not make them truly love you – it probably creates more disrespect and resentment over time.
Spending: Okay you found out you like to wear women’s clothes and you begin either, over spending your budget or embezzling money to finance it.  Both are wrong.  Your partner may try to control your activities by saying that you can’t spend any of your money on it, on the flip side you may spend into bankruptcy if you’re not careful.  The common ground to find here is to arrive on a budget that your household cash flow can handle.  After all there are some really cool outfits, hair and activities to enjoy – but unfortunately they all cost money and sometimes a lot of money.  So whether it’s a trip to one of the conferences, or a trip to the mall, or maybe even body altering activities like electrolysis or surgery.  Whatever it is don’t go into debt, cash out 401Ks or anything else.  Using the excuse that you need to be you is no excuse to go into financial stress.  Money isn’t everything, but let me say that if you’re one that likes to have choices – well money can certainly provide you with more choices than if you didn’t have it.
Spending is one of the mistakes I see people who just come out end up doing.  They see all this possibility and try to play catch up in a month.  Just go slow with the acquisition of feminine attire and activities – you’ll get there eventually – just manage your finances.  Finance is one of the top reasons for divorce.
On the flip side she may try to control your activity by saying you can’t spend any money on it.  If she’s clever she’ll definitely use this technique.  It’s just as wrong as spending money behind her back.  You both are avoiding the issue and trying to control the behavior indirectly.  Just come to an agreement – it’ll save you both a lot of stress.
Activity: There are a couple of mistakes about activity.  By activity I mean how often you decide to get dressed up, go out or whatever it is you want to do.  If you have family commitments, or other commitments they need to come first.  Then you need to work out your level of activity with your spouse whether that’s going to your local support group once a month or going to Vegas for the weekend en femme – it doesn’t matter what the activity is or the frequency – you both need to discuss what you can live with together.  Then whatever you agree to it has to be okay with her and with you.  There are certain lines in my relationship that I’ve agreed not to cross and certain things she’s agreed to let me do.  The result is that I don’t resent her and she does not resent me – we have made a compromise that we’re both willing to live with.  But what that means is that you don’t give each other grief because you’re not doing enough or you’re doing too much.  If things change then sit down and discuss what has changed and what that means.
Sexuality: This is a tricky one – you may have fantasies to be with a guy or girl as a girl.  The reality is that you have made a commitment to your partner.  So you need to deal with this one but I do think it’s important for your partner to understand how you feel about this.  If she asks “Are you Gay”.  The answer will obviously be no or you wouldn’t be with her.  You may be bisexual or desire to express your feminine sexuality.  You may have bisexual fantasies but have no desire to experience them for real.  For me I still enjoy the attention I get from men.  Also when a pretty bisexual woman finds me attractive I enjoy that as well.  But that doesn’t mean I need to get physical with them and violate my commitment to my spouse.  If you have strong desires to be with another person male or female as a girl then this is going to be a very difficult aspect of your life to deal with.  If it’s totally overwhelming you, then you need to talk to her about it.  It may be one of those things that are not reconcilable.  I think it’s difficult for a bisexual person to be married to one person– there will always be one aspect missing in their lives.
Sexuality is a high motivation in human behavior so if you have tendencies to be weak then don’t put yourself in a position where there is temptation.  For example, with me, I tend to go to public places with friends – this helps remove that temptation rather than me being alone with.
However, I know transgirls where their partner allows them to be with another person in more of an open relationship.  I think this can cause issues, jealousy and ultimately lead to problems in the relationship.  I think there are some people who are able to deal with a polyamorous relationship or open relationship but I don’t think it would be the first choice for some.
Sneaking: Another mistake we make as transgirls is we sneak around.  We go places; dress up in privacy when our spouse isn’t around.  We may secretly take things on a business trip with us, or go buy things while we are away. Well, she will figure it out eventually, although I’ve known transgirls to keep it secret for decades. I could never do that for several reasons, first the guilt would kill me, and second it’s too confining. I need freedom to be en femme not just when I’m away from my partner or she’s away on a trip. What if I want to go out next Saturday night? I don’t want to have to lie about where I’m going or what I’m doing – I’d rather just go and do what I want to do – invite my wife along and see if she will join me. That sounds much more appealing to me anyways. This goes back to agreeing on a level of activity. I think for most, at least if you have something to look forward to, then you don’t feel so repressed.
Logic: I’ve saved the best one for last. This is a land mind that you will go around and around with setting it off over and over if you don’t avoid it completely! Many times we will fall back on logic to show all the reasons why she should be okay with you being a transgirl. You may point to books, you may talk to counselors, and you may even tell her the qualities she loves are your feminine qualities. That’s the one that gets me the most and it’s used all too commonly – I think some are even sold on this line. I will concede that she probably fell in love with your feminine qualities simply because she fell in love with YOU. And YOU have feminine qualities, but I would go a step further and say that’s not the only qualities that attracted her to you. It might be your masculine presence, your ability to take charge, the respect you extend to her, the protection, security and safety you provide for her. Guess what those aren’t all necessarily traditional feminine qualities.
In fact a guy that appears as chivalric may rationalize that his sensitive qualities are more feminine and therefore that’s what his partner fell in love with. They probably are. But I know a lot of masculine men that have these same qualities and they don’t have the need to dress up as a girl or express themselves in that way. So this line of “that she fell in love with your feminine qualities exclusively and therefore she should accept your gender expression as a female” is flawed and I’m not buying it.
Consider this example for logic. The reality is I don’t like Brussels sprouts. I never developed a taste for them. In fact they disgust me. I don’t know why – I couldn’t tell you why I have such a negative physical reaction to them just by looking at them. It’s certainly not from social conditioning – I just don’t like them. You can use logic all day long as to why I should like them, the health benefits, it’s only a short swallow, that all my friends like them etc. etc. I’m still not able to enjoy eating a Brussels sprout. I might be able one or two to be polite, I might even be able to eat some a few times a week – but please don’t shove them in my mouth every day 7 days a week. Do you see my point?
You can argue that social conditioning has done XYZ – but you could also argue that someone just plain doesn’t like it and they can’t explain it. That’s who they are – so why apply logic in a case where compromise is what’s more important.

For the Transgirl’s Partner
I think there are some key things that your partner may need to understand about transgirls in general. The first is that we are all very different, even within the labels we feel differently, we have different motivations and we have different desires. So whatever she might think about transgirls is most likely not who you are. So here are some common questions that your spouse might ask about you. She also may have some misunderstandings on some things.
First I want to make a statement that many of the experts will blame the way your spouse feels due to society and how they have reacted to transgirls. That may be some of the social conditioning that happens early on. There also theories around the fact that men have not had a ‘men’s movement’ to be able to move outside their social defined roles. Women had a movement to provide them the ability to work outside the home, to vote to allow them social freedoms in other aspects. Maybe, maybe not. Either way it’s irrelevant to how she is feeling right now. So although it may be worthwhile pointing out these facts – it has the danger of following into the Logic Trap discussed earlier.
I digress a little here in order to make the point about social conditioning and its impact on us all as individuals. The interesting part of the women’s movement is that in some ways they moved too far. Now you can’t tell a woman she’s pretty at work without risk of being brought up on sexual harassment. And even some women now look down on other women who decide to be mothers or home makers. It’s interesting how discrimination works within even the traditional gender roles.
However, I think a relationship is more than social conditioning and it stems from expectations. Let’s take for example that you marry a gorgeous girl and she is your dream girl – she’s sexy, fun, totally into you and who you are. Then after a few years of marriage she decides not to take care of her body, or have any care about how she dresses. She may no longer give you the attention you once had from her. Are you going to be open and loving and be excited about that relationship? Most likely, you’ll probably sit down and have a discussion about why things have changed.
The reality is that there are certain expectations when you present yourself for someone with a desire to have a more meaningful relationship. So although social conditioning may be a factor about how we may feel about any subject, this really has no bearing on the expectations we set at the beginning of the relationship. If you set the expectation that you were a masculine man then she definitely would have cause for concern and rightfully so if you want to appear more feminine. It’s not what she signed up for at all.
But with that said there are certain aspects of being a transgirl she may not completely understand. So before she decides to pack up and leave (and you both destroy your relationship), it may be worth at least looking into some of the common misconceptions. I think it’s worth doing some research and trying to understand all the different aspects before making a life changing decision. Especially regarding someone you are committed to and love.

Common Questions from Partners
So here are some of the common questions that your partner may have about you as a transgirl.
Is my partner gay?
Definitely he is not gay. He may be bisexual but he is not gay. By definition, if you are having a relationship with him then he is therefore not gay. Although even if he is bisexual it’s not usually the motivation for dressing as a girl. That desire is more deeply rooted.
This question usually comes from the concern that he dresses up as a girl primarily to attract a man. Makes sense. I mean girls dress sexy to attract a man – so isn’t that what he’s doing? Most likely he is not – he may enjoy the attention he gets from both men and women. But that’s just validation of his image not that he wants to leave you for someone else.
Think about this – if he wanted a man – do you think he would have to dress up to find one? I can tell you it’s easy to attract a man without dressing up; in fact it’s most likely easier if he didn’t. So to dress up for that sole purpose wouldn’t make sense. In fact, most gay men want a masculine man. If you don’t believe that then just open up your local variety or gay magazine and see how men are depicted. Are they muscular, cut, masculine, and bearded or are they all frolicking around in an effeminate way. I think you’ll see that they are very masculine. Most gay men are not attracted to transgirls – their partner may be a drag queen but all that costuming comes off after the show.
Does he want a sex change?
Most of transgirls have at least fantasized at one point in their life about being a biological girl. However, that does not mean that we would go to the pain and extreme life changes to become a transsexual woman. It could be that he is transsexual but he may have no desire to change his anatomy. Some have transitioned later in life and it’s not an impossibility that he might want to as well. The question is definitely worth asking. He may want to change his gender, but then he may also realize that social price may be too steep.
Although, I really question these people that make a choice to get married, have children which in most cases they chose to do. Then, decide later that they can repress their feminine side anymore and they want to change their anatomy and are going to kill themselves if they can’t. I do realize people sort of figure this out later in life – but I have a real issue with destroying the lives of innocent people that did not have a choice. And to say you don’t have a choice about changing your gender until after you are married with kids is really hard to believe. If it was so strong you would have taken it on sooner. If you just discovered this later in life then I think you have other commitments that you need to honor and need to work through them. People get very selfish and say that they shouldn’t compromise their life and happiness – I’m saying if that’s the case you shouldn’t have gotten married and had kids – now make the best of it – there are other alternatives. However, if this is your case and your partner is embracing it then by all means go for it.
What if people find out?
One of the biggest fears is what will happen if people find out (e.g. friends, family, and co-workers). The reality is that there is a risk of this happening. Odds are that he’s probably pretty good at keeping his activities discrete. If he’s been this way for years and you didn’t know about it odds are no one else does either. But yes this comes with some risk. Not that what he is doing is so awful, but because most people don’t fully understand it and may associate it with sexual deviancy or other false stereotypical behaviors.
Well is he a sexual deviant?
Sexual deviancy percentages are the same in the transgirl community as it is in any other group according to reliable studies. So unlikely, but worth asking him what his fantasies are if this is something that concerns you.
What if the kids find out or their friends?
If you have children most psychologists advise to tell them between the ages of 10-14. But there is a whole complexity to telling children and it’s really dependent on so many factors. That’s best left to a psychologist to help you work through whether it’s the right decision for you. However, I have a chapter later on that addresses my personal experiences.
I can’t compete with the “other woman”!
Are you not enough for your husband or boyfriend or desirable enough for him? Is that why he wants to dress up like a girl? It may even seem like another woman has entered your relationship and is threatening the harmony. The reality is that he doesn’t see it that way at all. He doesn’t see his feminine side as another person, nor is it likely he’s dressing up because you don’t satisfy him. Whether he looks good as a girl, or looks like a guy in a dress doesn’t matter – it still doesn’t change the way he feels.
Think of it this way. No matter what age you are – you still think of yourself as a younger person. You may even tell your friends you still feel 18 or 21 or whatever. You still identify with that younger self even though your body anatomy tells a different story. In many ways he is doing the same thing just not with age but with gender. So if there is this “other woman” now in your life you just now know about it – she’s always been there inside him. And probably always will be in the future.
If that knowledge bothers you then you’ll need to find a way to rationalize it in your head. There are certain aspects of my gender expression that really bothers my wife. She doesn’t like me talking about makeup products with her, she doesn’t like me wearing a bikini, and she really doesn’t like looking at my hair or wigs. So those things I put away because it hits a nerve that makes her think there’s another girl in my life. So I refrain from those activities.
If he wants to be a girl why doesn’t he act more like a real girl?
So if he has all these feminine tendencies why doesn’t he want to help out around the house with the domestic chores? Or why does he dress like a tramp and not like most girls dress. I mean if you think about it he could dress in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and pretty much be dressing like 70% of the women out there. So why does he prefer to dress in the fetish clothes, slutty clothes, or other outlandish outfits?
As far as the chores, some actually do enjoy being submissive and servants. If this is the case with your husband or boyfriend then I would definitely take advantage of that. But for the majority it’s much about getting the attention and creating an image that is traditionally more pleasing for men. Well if that’s true, does it mean if you were to dress sexier or trampy then that would satisfy a need for him? Most likely not, this goes back to the fact that you are probably everything he needs you to be and this is not a competition or filling some void that you’re not providing. It may just be as simple as he likes seeing that girl that’s inside him come out.
Back to the previous example, if you had the ability to bring out that 18 year old body on occasion would you do it? Of course you would; at least most women would. If that wasn’t true there wouldn’t be a multibillion dollar industry to sell rejuvenation and skin care products for women. The difference here is that he wants to see the girl inside in the same way you might want to see a younger or thinner you. He’s found a way to bring that image forward and would like to enjoy expressing his feminine side.
Why didn’t he tell me about his desires sooner?
This one is tricky; ideally he would have shared this with you before you were in a relationship. Most likely he thought he could control it, he didn’t understand it, he thought that being in a relationship would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hidden this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much and wanted you to be protected! He did not want to burden you with something he’s struggled with all his life.
How can I make him stop cross dressing?
This is probably the first thing that most women think about after the initial shock is over. Okay, so now that I see that he does this how I do I make him stop. You’re going to hate the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and if you fight hard enough you might even get him to promise to stop. The only problem with that is that he won’t stop; he’s just going to go back into his shell and never bring it up again. He’ll probably even begin cross dressing more because of the feeling of repression.
When addressing this question I told my wife that I can’t stop doing this. Well maybe can’t is a strong word – let me say I didn’t want to stop doing it. Given that, did she want to know about all of my activity or did she want me to do it without her knowledge. I was fine to go back and just do it without her knowledge and we could go on living as if it never existed. I mean I had hid it this long, continuing to hide it wasn’t going to be that big a deal – as long as she made that call I was fine with it. The other choice was I would give full or partial disclosure on my frequency and activities. This one wasn’t easy for her at all. She really didn’t want to know about it – but then when I did something she felt that I wasn’t being up front. So she put me in a lose-lose situation so we had to have several conversations to flush this one out. I think for us the best way is full disclosure and she is invited to everything that I do. She sometimes chooses to participate – most of the time she doesn’t.
What about Religion what does the Bible say?
There’s a lot written on the internet regarding passages in the bible. Most of the discussions about the wearing of clothes usually referred to the priestly garb. The most popular passage is Deuteronomy 22:5. Many of the laws in that book no longer apply depending on what you believe. However, there’s nothing written about any real consequences to dressing in women’s clothes. It’s not considered a sin or part of the commandments. However, it can be argued either way, it’s one of those issues in the Bible that is really inconsequential given everything else in the world we need to focus on correcting. I’m not going into the details here – there’s plenty of material out there to read more about this if you are interested. The point is that the popular view point is that there’s really nothing that indicates this is disobedient behavior.
When my wife told her Bible study group about my need to dress en femme they also agreed that it was vague in the scripture based on all the correlative passages. However, the Bible makes it very clear that it is the wife duty to support her husband in his endeavors (Titus 2:4 – 2:5, Ephesians 5:22, 28-31), in return he is to love and respect her beyond all others (Peter 3:7). I think what we are being told here is to love and respect each other and support one another.
Who Do I talk to about this?
Well there are some wonderful therapists – there are also some really bad ones. There are also some fantastic organizations that can help as well with your understanding. One of the things you have to be careful though with these organizations and counselors is to make sure they are neutral. If someone is sympathetic one way or the other then no real healing can begin. I don’t recommend venting to friends and family. This only puts them in the middle of things and makes it awkward for them to be around you both. You may feel very alone, but the key is to keep talking to each other – if you need a therapist or counselor to be part of that then that’s great. If you are involved in a church you may seek peace there as well. There is a lot of literature like this piece available to you and several publications. However at the end of the day – you have to deal with your relationship.
If you seek others to substantiate or justify your position or if he’s doing the same then you are driving more of a wedge in your relationship. There is a lot of history in your relationship, and if you still love one another and desire to stay together then you will overcome this obstacle. Not only will you overcome it but you will be convinced that nothing could ever come between the two of you…ever.

How Did I Fall in Love with a Crossdresser?
Well first as I stated before – you didn’t just fall in love with his feminine side as some may argue. Studies of shown, that transgirls are open minded, caring, loving, maternal, and they are also much more into their wives lives than most men.
After all, you represent everything they wish they could be – and they want to make you feel special and loved. However, there are a lot of men with the similar qualities that don’t desire to dress up. So to translate you fell in love with a girl is just not true. You fell in love with him, all of him and he hasn’t changed. You just have some additional information about him that you’re struggling with.
You have to ask yourself – knowing everything about him (in the context of cross-dressing or gender expression) that you now know would you still have agreed to enter into a lifetime partnership? If the answer is no then I think you need to question whether you fell in love with him or the “idea” of him. Both men and women both fantasize or dream about their “ideal” soul mate. Then they meet someone and try to fit them in that mold. Or even worse sometimes they try and change them to fit your “idea” of what you want them to be. This happens with both men and women – we are both guilty of this to some degree.
However, the other side of the coin is that he may not have truly represented honestly who he was. We already addressed that question of why didn’t he do that. But the fact is that you do have every right to be upset, confused or even angry that you now have to deal with his alter ego. The question you have to ask yourself is that you fell in love with him for many reasons, but is your love strong enough to overlook this part of him if it upsets you. Personally, I think it is – you just need to get through the initial shock of this new information.
He wants to go out! Is that even safe?
The short answer is that it’s not as safe for him as it would if he went out as a male. But is it safe for a woman to go out alone at night – no not at all. Which is safer a transgirl going out alone or a woman going out alone? Probably neither is a good idea – you can argue all day long which has more risk. But that’s one of the reasons I think it’s important that he has friends or you go out together (although you may not be ready for that). But I never go anywhere alone; I try to have at least 2 others with me. Even as a guy walking the street of NYC I didn’t feel safe.
There are horrible incidents all over the place regarding transgirls. But there are also horrible experiences with girls too. So you just have to be smart. Everything we do in life has risk – some things more than others – but the key is to mitigate risk the best ways you know how.
Okay, so what do I do now?
If you just found out and are determining what the next steps are I would start by thinking about two things. Work to understand him better so that you can better understand yourself. You may come to the conclusion you just can’t live with the idea – but before throwing everything away it’s worth trying to find some middle ground. Here are some things you can do.
• Education: Continue to read and educate yourself from reliable sources
• Communication: Continue to communicate with your partner to better understand him
• Integrate/Compromise: Instead of looking for ways to make it stop, look for ways you might be able to live with it. He in return needs to be respectful of the fact that you don’t like it, and work to figure out ways where he can be happy and still satisfy his internal needs.
• Get Help: Seek out a marriage counselor if necessary – but use this to help you better communicate. For him to convince you its okay and for you to try and convince him it’s not is going to get you both nowhere fast.
• Confront it: Sometimes the best way to deal with your fear is just to confront it directly. This won’t work for everyone but it does for some. The more my wife saw me dressed the less awkward she felt around me. We also talk about it often – so that it’s like an everyday no big deal. Eventually she started going out with me just so she could see what I was doing and make sure it was okay with her. If that’s too much just have him show you a picture or watch him transform. Not to see how pretty or ugly he is as a girl but to help you see what he sees in it. Ask him to dress up for you and watch him – ask him questions while he’s getting ready.
• Humor: Another way to break the ice is to kid around about it a little. Tease him about it – smirk at him. He needs to be okay with this. I’ve even given my wife carte blanche to tease me about any of it. I sort of like being teased about it – not humiliated but when she acknowledge some feminine aspect and smiles at me then it gives me a rush as if she knows a secret that no one else knows. I think this is just another form of communication and a way to let out some steam.
• Self Assessment: Figure out what you can live with and what you can’t. You need to understand it won’t go away no matter what kind of threats or means of manipulation you use. If you drive a wedge then one of two things will happen. Either it will lead to separation or he will begin sneaking around. I had one spouse say fine, as long as I don’t have to know about it. Well that’s okay but wouldn’t it be better if you both set some guidelines. I mean if he’s going to do it don’t you want some input on where, when and how often? If you cut off the conversation he’ll just do it on his terms no matter what he tells you or how strongly he says he won’t do it anymore. You have to decide on the type of relationship you want to have with him.
• Establish Guidelines: There’s a lot of literature out on the web regarding what those guidelines should be including A Wives’ Bill of Rights which just seems cheesy to me but has some good points. You should demand what you would normally demand in your relationship. To be loved, intimate, honest, trustworthy and open with one another. If you are having a difficult time, then communicate with each other. I find it’s better to communicate from stand point of trying to be a better wife or husband rather than trying to “fix” the other person or “win” the argument.

Communicating to your Kids

This is a very difficult and tough question to answer. There are several factors must be considered in making this decision which I will address. There are so many different variables that you have to really think hard about and what makes sense for you. So before I dive into this, what you have to understand is that my philosophy is basically – don’t tell unless there is a “need to know”.
The “need to know” philosophy is not based on shame or fear but rather trying to disclose something that is fraught with complexities and social conditioning to someone that interacts with you on a daily basis. The reality is that our desire to be women is a burden and by telling someone else you are now sharing that burden – is that something you want to do to someone you love and care about. This expectation that love conquers all and is unconditional is fantasy in my opinion. Our love is conditional on so many things – mostly behavior which leads to trust. So if you truly love someone why would you tell them something they can’t do anything about and wouldn’t have known about it anyway? To me, to do take that approach without regard is a selfish need to get something off your chest and I don’t think it’s necessary.
But it’s not just this topic. When our family has had financial issues, I haven’t called the kids in and told them about it. We might cut back or go on a budget, but I didn’t’ tell them. I wanted them to feel safe and secure with their lives. There was no reason for them to know – so was I lying to them, concealing the truth about me in that case? Probably, but is that such a bad thing, why would I withhold that information? Simply, to protect them from having to carry a burden that was my responsibility and mine alone.
One might argue well this is different because it’s who I am and I can’t help it. And I feel like I’m lying to people if I don’t tell them about it. I think that’s a lame rationalization. First of all as I’ve stated – you may not be able to help who you are and what you desire – but your behavior is a choice. Well you probably conceal a lot about your personal details to people – why would this be any different. Your financial status, your personal relationships, love life, your fetishes, even maybe what you had for lunch. I think because this is so strong within us it seems like it should be more important than those other things and it’s not. It’s just another part of your personality that you can choose to burden others with or not. Should it be a burden for others? No, it shouldn’t. But the reality is that it is – and you can blame social conditioning all day long but the fact remains at the end of the day it’s you and your kid sitting across from you and what are you going to do?
Personally, my kids found out when they where around 15. They had found some profiles on the internet and were upset about it. I came out fully to them and described everything about who I am and why I did what I did. I think kids need to have the security that you and your partner are together, you are stable and the family unit is secure. I think beyond that – kids are pretty accepting if they see that everything’s going to be okay.
As far as their friends are concerned that’s a wild card. I told my kids that they were welcome to tell their friends if they needed someone else to talk to about it. However, I cautioned them that if their friend’s parents found out it may put stress on their friendship – but I made that their decision. To date, I have no idea if they have disclosed anything to their friends or not.
There are some key points that you will want to make clear – again, you need to follow the communication guidelines and if you’re going to tell them – tell them the whole story – don’t leave parts out because there’s no reason to. However, before getting into the details of the conversation we must answer the first question. Should I tell my kid or not? Well I can’t answer that question for you but here are some things to consider and my view point on each. But you need to answer these questions and see if they apply to you.
My kids are under the age of 10 Debatable whether to tell them. You really can’t have a meaningful conversation. I think the exception might be is if you are beginning to live full time as a girl or if you’re starting to transition. It may be worthwhile letting them know what’s going to happen. If you’re wife or their mother is living with you – you should tell them together.
My kids are over the age of 10 if you have a lot of activity going out dressed up en femme, or if you are starting to transition then this is a good time to tell them.
My kids don’t live with me if they don’t live with you and you’re not on the road to transition I really don’t see any need in telling them. The only thing is if you think there is some risk of them finding out then you need to weigh that risk to see if it makes sense or not.
I’m just cross-dressing occasionally in privacy unless you think they’re going to find out and even so I probably wouldn’t bring it up. If you think that you’re going to want to start going out in public or living full time then you may want to think about letting them know
My kids have a disability or may have mental disabilities I think in this case that they have enough going on their lives and you don’t need to burden them with your desire to be en femme. Again the exception being if they are living with you and you are on your way to transitioning or living full time.
My kids are having difficulties with school, relationships, drugs or other issues. If your children have other major issues this could throw them over the edge. I think I would tend to them first before taking on your desire to be en femme. Even if you plan on transitioning or living full time then I would seriously consider making sure that they are on the right path before pursuing your own needs.
The kids are moving out in a few years. If they are moving away and you’re not transitioning or living full time you may just let it go and not tell them. I think if they are around 15 or older it’s debatable whether you tell them or not. I think I would just weigh your level of activity and make a determination on whether you can continue to hide it.
My kids are grown and out of the house. If you’re going to be going out in public or living full time I think it would just depend. If they are in the same city and you think you might run into one another then I’d probably still tell them. If not – I probably wouldn’t.
Is your partner supportive if your partner is not supportive or does not agree with telling your children then you need to continue to talk about it together? I think that it’s important that you both are on the same page or else the kids get thrown in the middle.

So after evaluating your circumstances and you decide that you think you should tell them then here are some communication guidelines. First you need to follow the same guidelines that I mention in communicating with your partner. In addition there are some key points you need to make with your kids. I think if you are changing your gender or beginning to live full time then the conversation is a little different – you just need to tell them how their lives may be changing and over what time period so that they can prepare. But if you’re not in transition or living full time then here are some additional points you may want to make.
This changes nothing. If you are not in transition or living full time then the likelihood of their lives changing at all because of your activity is very low.
Embarrassment. You need to explain that you will not embarrass them or embarrass them in front of their friends. However, if they are more accepting they may want to introduce their friends to your femme side – it just depends on how you decide to live your life. Don’t try to convince them to be open-minded and to ignore social conditioning – just honor their wishes. Society will eventually change as more of us get out there and demonstrate that we are good people too. Now is not the time to have a philosophical debate on what is right or wrong on how they feel.
Your Relationship is Secure. If you and your partner have a strong relationship then you should tell them together and you will need the support of your partner to do so. When I told my kids my wife was with me and backed me up 100%. She showed love and support for my behavior and what I was communicating. But she was honest and said to them that she didn’t necessarily like it but she loved me and that was enough. We talked in advance and I told my wife the type of conversation I was going to have and made sure she could support it. Once we agreed we spoke to them together with the same message. This demonstrates strength in your relationship and that the two of you have a solid foundation.
Express your commitment and love. You need to let them know that you love them and that you’re terribly sorry that you have to burden them with this – but you didn’t want them finding out from someone else.
How do you tell them why? I think the best way I was able to convey why I liked to dress en femme to my kids was to talk about it on a level they could relate to it. My daughter is passionate about playing the piano. I said to her what if I told you could never ever play that piano ever again? In fact you couldn’t even go listen to anyone else playing the piano? How would that make you feel? She responded – “Oh I would just die”. I said, “Then you understand why I do it”. My adolescent son loves to play computer games on line with his friends. I told him “and with you what if I took away your computer and said you could only use it for school”. His look was priceless – he said, “I would go insane”, and then I said – “now you know why”. After that conversation they both looked at me and said – “oh I get it now.” They both thought it was still weird but it wasn’t as harsh as it was before the conversation.
Overall the most important thing you can be is an open book. Lastly after the initial conversation give it a few days to sink in then follow up with each of them one on one and ask them if they thought more about it. Ask them if they had any other questions or concerns. Just make sure you keep checking in with them on the subject.
On the flip side, be careful. Just because they know doesn’t mean they’ve accepted it. Don’t start making jokes about it or bringing it up in conversation. Don’t make it part of your daily lives unless you’re on that path. Be sensitive to the fact they’ve had a very short time to digest something that you’ve spent years dealing with, researching, and reading material like this piece. Don’t rush things – give it time and eventually it’ll be no big deal – socially condition them by living a life that your children can aspire to. Lead by example not by debate.

Conclusion

The bottom line here is that there is no magic bullet for communication. It requires two people that love each other and who are devoted to one another. If you’re not then all this will seem like work and not worth it. You’ll fight it and find excuses why it’s different for you and the reality is that it’s really not that difficult. Grasping the concept maybe difficult, and being able to swallow your partners reaction may be difficult but communication should be easy and loving.

Is it easy to have a relationship with a woman and transgirl? Not at all! Will it get easier over time? Most likely it will get much easier, it will never become less prominent and she will not always be able to deal with it. But just learn to forgive each other and love each other and you’ll find what works for you. This is probably one of the most stressful non-destructive dynamics you can put on a relationship.
The other thing you’ll read a lot about is all the great qualities that transgirl brings to a relationship. I’ve heard this from both transgirls and the wives that love them. That all may be true, and it’s wonderful that your husband may want to go shopping with you; but it’s also awkward and confusing. If he’s looking at a dress is he looking at because he likes it on him or on me? It just changes things and the way you think about everything. This is not easy.

So no matter how wonderful some of the qualities may be it still remains that it’s a new dynamic in the relationship. And just like the transgirl has made choices on what they have done and are doing, it’s important that the partner keeps in mind they are making choices too.

I am convinced that long term love and happiness is a choice we all have to make. Long term relationships, even the best ones, require work. You have to choose to put the other person first in your life, you have to choose to forgive them for their mistakes, and you have to choose to love them every day. I think our society has confused love with infatuation or physical attraction – I think love is much more than that and requires you to respect, trust and partner with the person you want to spend your time with.

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